My roommate, B. made a joke on how we’re waiting like lovers on a date. Two girls hunched by the roadside, in the get-to-go black abaya and lop-sided hijabs while waiting for our food to arrive. We chuckled and tried to distract our hunger pangs by looking at the sky above. 

The night was not occupied by any clouds that night. All the constellations were visible and not hidden. B and I tried to name the constellations, and deflect from being tricked by the satellite. I love stars not because of its naive symbolism; but it holds a history that we cannot fathom (lightyears and all). I spotted a moving light (a satellite?) and followed it as it glazed through the constellations; from Orion to the next. Caught a glimpse of pale ‘showers’ flying in a parallel direction until it breezed past a star and disappeared. 

How strange it is to watch the photographs of a past existence and admire it? 

I’ve never taken a night stroll thanks to to rabid wild dogs and the thunderous storms. I guess after three years of grumbling over my misfortunes of having to walk under the heat I’ve never come to appreciate what has turned into my ‘second home’. My campus is still solemn, erecting buildings and abandoning another, painting the green landscape with red soil and machinery, lacking life. It isn’t a dream house for one who expires boredom faster than lightning, and craves for the shape-shifting face of a city. It’s a place where you can ‘kill’ your enthusiasm away. 

But despite all this, I contemplated the hidden country girl in my heart. After years of trying to reach the surface and gasping for air among the city crowd, I’ve finally come to appreciate this solidarity that has been given to me. The walls are small, the air is barren, but the mind is less clouded by numerous anticipations. I find weekends at home as labour, whereas the class-less days in the dorm as a time to recuperate. It’s a much needed break, a much needed quietness. 

As I stayed with B, I realised that throughout the complaints I’ve turned into acceptance, and looked past the negatives brought by each person, and cherished all the people that has struggled with me. For three years, and for one more. AZ has been putting her trust in me after all these years and I found myself going to her to accommodate my loneliness in this place. Other people in my block had a role in making me happy/excited, even for a nanosecond. I poured out my ugly brand of laughter and jokes, and we don’t mind any of it. I have taken a part in their life, and inadvertently they have in mine. We sought out for enjoyment together. Even if the campus/city couldn’t satisfy us, we turned to each other and picked out the things that could make us happy. Make it or break it. How unfair it is for me to whisk them away when we went through all the hardships and pains. How unfair it is for each of us to learn others’ sadness and disappointments and steal it without giving an ounce of happiness back. 

I have one more semester left, and I am not going to let it fail what we had, and have. 

And come to think of it, they are responsible for making me enter the deadly Kpop fandom.

So happy that my FYP is slowly starting to take shape! I aspire to do the best because I secretly (or not so) want to enroll myself in MIT haha lulz. There’s a hidden gem of a wish deep down hoping that I could divert my attention to literature/linguistics/creative writing/poetry, but hopefully my footsteps will trail to the path that I aim for. 

On another note, my study playlist:

1. The National - High Violet album
2. Beach House’s new album as I’ll be trying my best to digest it (lbr, Teen Dream took me ages to finally get it)
3. Death Cab For Cutie Singapore setlist
4. random mixtapes that I will delete by the next week
5. Streamed mixtapes because I will be less impatient (and no liberty to skip tracks freely)
6. WAND ERECTION
7. I meant ONE DIRECTION because boybands light up my world like nobody else~*

THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE
JUST BECAUSE I GOT INTO THE OTHER SIDE OF 21 ALL MY FAVOURITE BANDS SINCE MY TEEN YEARS ARE DISBANDING
FIRST THURSDAY, AND THE FALLING RUT OF INTERPOL, AND NOW… TOKYO JIHEN

TOKYO JIHEN



TOKYO JIHEN





WHY







AND MY FRIEND GOT TO GO TO THEIR SHOW LAST YEAR I SHOULD’VE JUMPED INTO HIS LUGGAGE AND SNEAK I I WHUT

MAYBE I SHOULD STOP BEING INTENSE FANS OF A BAND AND LISTEN TO MUSIC CASUALLY FROM NOW ON- I’M A CURSE 

listening to the albums that I listened to when ‘love’ was only a part of a daydream and nothing more

made me realised that I’ve betrayed my teen dreams and should not be afraid of whatever emotions I was trying too hard to keep within

It’s no fun being morose

For his ladyboss’s showcase (Terukir di Bintang), he asked me to come earlier and get into the hall as soon as possible. These are the songs played softly through the hall’s speakers while waiting for everyone to settle down; the ones that I managed to jot down:

1. Feist - How Come You Never Go There
2. Caroline - Swimmer
3. Bon Iver - Skinny Love
4. Little Dragon - No Love (I think?)
5. (couldn’t detect the song!)
6. Feist - The Circle Married The Line
7. The National - (couldn’t detect which song it was. Maybe it was Daughters of Soho Riots?)
8. Wild Beast - Deeper
9. The Weekend - What You Need (honestly I freaked out and started to skim for any profanity in the song- fortunately it didn’t)
10. Little Dragon - Twice
11. (couldn’t detect or I forgot to jot it down)
12. Kimbra - Two Way Street
13. Stateless - Bloodstream

and after the show ended, glimpses of Bon Iver - Holocene could be heard. 

The playlist must have been just an accompaniment to the night’s show, or just a filler for the other audience, but I paid attention to every change of song. A little skip once I knew the title of the song. A little quiz, perhaps, just to accommodate his absence over the weekend (for he has to handle two shows)- but the playlist was arranged by him under the guise of my birthday present for the night. & despite the disappearances we’ve been encountering day by day, it’s still meaningful for me and gave me hope. Thank you. I love you. 

I think I’ll make it this time. 

There will be apologies and I shall draft out a vow for my birthday. 

Maybe as a Capricorn, I am only loyal to disappointments. 

On the other hand, I still stand by this fact: SHINee - Lucifer / Hello (repackaged) is the best K-Pop album.  

The conjunctures of the scissor’s blade and the end of my dry hair (everyone unanimously agreed on cutting it- for the health and for less ghostly surprises in the corridors) should mark a celebration of a separation, sad or not. Celebrating the beginning of a new year is an apt reason. The ceremony was done in a jovial manner as we suppressed our exam woes and putting our exclamations on loud display. I thought that the separation could only persist to separate self from obstructive excuses, or the constant withdrawals into comfortable uninspired couches. I was happy with that resolution. But night came and even if, the constant comes and goes of people, out and in and shuffling right under my eyes; as much as I try to appreciate and please, or even to defend some; the realisation struck midnight hard like the blade embarking for someone’s end. There is no specialty in a new number. Nothing is going to be better, or be worse. All bouts of happiness and loneliness will attack me, expected or un-. Fool us with the illusion of a new hope but why did I sought the bed drenched in tears and uncontrollable sadness?

My last.fm is filled with glorious 90s boybands and girlbands and Mariah Carey, gurlllll don’t diss

Back then I used to look at foreign faces with fear and respect. I was praising them for being able to survive the guerrilla bombardment of biomedical information down their throats and time frame. Getting warnings on a certain hot lecturer. Running up and down the stairs for three years and now I’m standing at that strange position. Strange because I still feel like I’m new here- I didn’t have enough time to fully grasp my growth as a student or even as a scientist, and now the juniors are simply throwing out ‘Kak’ to grab my attention. Like, holy shit what did I do to get here in one piece? Now I’m giving out the warnings and advice. Now the juniors are rushing to get my notes (breaking news: you won’t get any cos it’s precious like that). 

To alternate my wonderment and my slow paced days with heavier things, I’m beginning to just let things go by and be in the moment. I’ve been hanging out with my floormates and there’s nothing bad about it. I’m spending my weekends here without complaining. I have more time to reflect on my existence, and why I am still striving to make it through the day or the week. I find myself feeling thankful day by day, and I may lost my edge as a poet for not considering things in deeper vents, but at least I’m beginning to understand the beauty of being a simpleton and let the fallible sleeps in the journal. I just discovered the euphoria of running and now I’m beginning to wonder why did my legs chickened out on it before. 

At least now I can run from zombies and strange white men with Asian fetish.